I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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