She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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