The maid of honor just puked.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
