Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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