Kiss
Puke
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
