Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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