Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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