I will die if light touches me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
