so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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