quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
