i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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