I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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