There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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