Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
