This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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