Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
