I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
that's an acceptable place to lick
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
