I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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