It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
