I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
