It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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