I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
