He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
