I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
