True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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