He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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