I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
