And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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