Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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