her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
