Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
