Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he had hair everywhere except his balls
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
