What did we do last night that was yellow?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
its liver damage thursday
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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