You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it hurts more in the daytime
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
