I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
