just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
