you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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