god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
