I wish my penis had an off switch
Duck Duck Cougar?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
