I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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