well I can't set my house on fire every night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
