Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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