I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
