I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
