if i can run in heels then i can drive
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
