i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
