I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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