When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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