your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
