Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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